Chapter 2: Amy

"Look, I didn’t ask be born I didn’t ask to brought into this world, so I figure the world owes me a living. This guy is just trying to take my baby away from me. I do my best, my husband and I stay home just so we take care of our children, why is everyone trying to make it hard for us"? I was as dumbfounded as the Judge, and looked over at my Layer who only shook his head and smiled at me. The road was long and ugly, but here we are down to final decision. "Maam, please take your seat" the Judge ordered. "Maam do you understand what is going on here today" the judge asked her. "yes, I do, he wants my baby, and he cant have her" replied Barbara. "Not quite the way I see it" says the judge. "Look, can you without getting upset, explain to me why I should not grant custody of Amy to this man". Barbara looked at the judge with utter disdain, and again stood up, " Look, he only wants her to make my life miserable, and we work so hard to care for her" she said yet again. "Maam for the last time, please take your seat", " In the name of resolving this, and in light of all the information, I am granting custody of Amy to her father" ordered the judge as he tapped the gavel on the table. " Motion closed" the bailiff announced. Everyone stood and the judge left the room. Pandemonium broke out, Barbara started screaming and tried to run after the judge only to be held back by the bailiff. I looked at my lawyer and asked him if this meant what I had hoped for, and he nodded that it did indeed. Several weeks later the documents arrived at the house, and detailed how custody was to be handled and how visitation was to be handled. We ignored the constant ringing of the telephone, as we knew it was Barbara. She had been calling everyday and at first we would speak with her trying to explain to her we all want is best for Amy, and we feel we could provide a more stable home for her. Barbara was irreconcilable, she was hysterical, and she was angry. The calls became more and more hostile, so we stopped taking them altogether. She was to have supervised visitation only for the first year or so, then if she demonstrated to the court she could handle it, she could have visits at her home for short periods only, then eventually she could have weekend visits, and even holidays if there weren’t any more problems. Amy was eight years old by this time. What a long road, and how she has grown. She was becoming a young lady but she was still much a child. How I would change things if I had the power, the power to go back where it began and do it differently. Moving to Virginia was a great reprieve, A respite from the turmoil of living with my mother and my brothers. I couldn’t believe my sister was going to let me live with her and her husband in Norfolk. Chuck was in the Navy assigned on a submarine, and my sister said she spoke with him, and I could move down there and live with them for a time. Maybe even till I finished High School. I was beside myself with joy. However, after the summer she changed her mind. The new baby was here now, and she felt she didn’t have enough room for the baby and me living with her. Chuck was going out to sea for six months to a year, and with the baby she was coming home until he returned, as when he returned he was leaving the Navy, and she said it would be better that she came back home. I was devastated. She said I could live with her and the baby once she was settled back in Albany though. Summer ended we drove home. She moved into my mothers mobile home, while my mother and my three younger brothers rented an apartment in town. At least I didn’t have to live with them, I had some freedom! Barbara and I decided to separate when I moved south, give our relationship a rest, after all we had been dating for well over a year by now. We talked about this a few days before I left for Virginia. "Marty, we have to talk" Barbara said on the phone. We were speaking again now that I was back in NY. " About what, we are talking, what do you want, I thought we were not seeing each other for awhile" I said. " I cant talk to you you never listen to me, when are you coming over", I don’t know maybe this weekend I can pop down, I don’t have a ride I will have to hitch" I said. "Look Marty, barb wont talk to you so she wants me to talk to you" Cindy was saying when I got there. Cindy was barbs best friend at the time. Barb had left home as her mother ran off with some guy to Reno, and Barb couldn’t stay home with her family, she hated them. "Cindy, why cant she talk to me herself if it is something important", "you don’t understand, she cant talk to you, she thinks you will freak on her" Cindy replied. Now I was nervous, what could Barb possibly have to say to me that she was afraid to say in person, I was very scared, my instincts were telling at me to run, to get away now. "look Cindy, what is going on, I want to know right now", "we'll its like this, she is pregnant". My face went flush, my stomach turned over, and my world just changed. At home I was still overwhelmed, I told my sister as I had to tell someone. My sister was calm and collected and said no problem it isn’t yours. "How can it not be mine I asked, of course it is mine, who else’s could it be"! "Think about it" Donna said, you were with us all summer there is no way it can be yours", hope flared for one second before I realized my departure to Virginia, and hope vanished. "But Donna, we were together before I came down". So there was doubt. I could see Donna was little uncertain now, but she was still saying how it could not be mine. "OK, don’t do anything till she has the baby, when is it due"? "I think she said in May or something like that, I am not sure", "we'll there you have it, there is no way it is yours" Donna countered. "How so, I mean she says it is so it has to be" I said. On and on went the debate until she asked the embarrassing question. "When were you last, you know, together" she said. God, how can my sister be asking my such questions, I could have died right there on the spot from embarrassment. “I don’t know and I cant talk about it” I said frustrated to be having such a conversation with my sister, after all she was a girl. Didn’t make sense but then I didn’t deal with these situations very well either.

So the winter came and I pretty much pretended life was normal. Cindy her friend felt it her responsibility to keep me informed, and as the days closed I got more an more nervous about what to do.

Some time back when I started High School, the school I went to had this program where you could finish HS in three years instead of four. We’ll when I moved in with my sister I changed Schools and the new School had no such program. So, I was in a odd place with HS, I didn’t know any of the kids and my Senior year was a half year with only two classes. Two English classes.

I would hitch to School in the morning as my first class wasn’t until second period and then hitch home as the my second class was third period leaving the rest of the day to myself. Sometimes I would hitch the 10 – 15 miles to where Barbara was staying and stay there for a few days making my sister insane with anger.

Barbara was getting bigger and bigger all the time and at the same time becoming more demanding that I do something. I still didn’t have any idea what I was going to do. I started dating other girls where I was living both Barbara and I pretended each didn’t know about the dating.

My Oldest brother had joined the Army a few years earlier, and my Sisters Husband was in the Navy so this looked like an option I should think about. A job, and money in the pocket.

I graduated from HS in January and didn’t know what to do so I went to see an Army recruiter. When I signed up, I knew I was running, it was not something I was proud of. I knew in the back of my heart I was leaving Barb and the baby behind but let her believe she was included in my plans.

The Army offered me an enlistment bonus if I went in for four years. I agreed and took the Bonus, and I also requested that they send me as far away and as fast as possible. With the bonus I bought an engagement ring for Barb, and gave the rest to my mother for bills that needed paying. Twice within the past two years I had gone to the hospital and my mother didn’t have insurance so the Hospital bills were killing her. Once for an appendix removal and the other for an automobile accident.

The Army kept their word and sent me away within a few weeks of signing up, and off to basic training I went. During that time I sent a letter to Barb telling her how we were going to move to Germany once I finished training, she seemed happy.

Near the end of basic I received a letter form her oldest brother. He and I were friends before I met Barb and maintained that relationship. Meantime he had joined the Air force and was stationed out west someplace still in the Air force.

The letter devastated me. I almost left basic in order to deal with the contents. I went to my Drill and requested to be released but he sat me down and put my head on straight. I only had a few weeks left of training and he made it clear I would be doing a very stupid thing leaving now.

After I was to leave Basic I had 45 days leave before reporting to Germany he suggested I use that time wisely and resolve any issues then and meantime finish my few weeks and then go home, this could wait. He was right and I appreciate his advice to this day Gave me time to cool down and see straight.

The letter was brutal, heart wrenching and life changing. My friend told me something that my gut had suspected by refused to acknowledge. A fear that all insecure teenage boys have about their girlfriends., but it was real and worse.

The letter said how while Barbara lived with her mother in Nevada there were some problems. When I lived in Virginia for the summer with my sister Barbara had moved out to Nevada with her mother. Reno is where they were. To say problems does not due justice to the issue.

The letter said how Barbara was pregnant when I met her. She hid it from me well. I never knew. She had the baby in Reno, and moved out of her mothers house. She moved in with some guy while in Reno, and worse yet she gave the baby up for adoption.

Either one of these issues would have been devastating, but the two of them together was tragic. After reading the letter I was lost. How could she have had a baby given that baby away and lived with another man and not tell me.

Clearly this ended the relationship with her for me. I had several weeks to think it out and decide how to go about dealing with this new information. My friend provided a phone number I could call him and the Drills allowed me to make the call. As it was a military base we could use the Military phone system and not the public system.

My friend explained to me the contents of the letter were quite true and accurate. He said have been friends for some time and felt these things were something I should know. He said he told Barbara to tell me but she refused to tell me and he felt compelled to tell me.

“I want the ring back now” I demanded. Barbara sat in the car crying and staring at me with the baby in her arms. “You promised me we were getting married when you gave it to me, you keep your promise” she screamed. “I didn’t know you were out screwing some other guy while we were dating and then throw away the baby” I responded angrily. It went on like this for what seemed like hours.

I was standing by the side of the car and she finally took the ring off her finger and threw it out the window. Cindy then decided she had enough and said they had to leave and drove away in the car. I searched and found the ring, it was tiny ring and hard to find. It must have taken me hours to find it but I was determined.

As soon as I came home from basic training I made sure to have this meeting to get it over with. I made the decision to call it off with Barbara during those final weeks of training. I was looking for a reason to call it off, and the letter provided that reason. Not a good moment in my life but just the same a moment made.

The rest of the forty five days home were a blur. Spent much of the time out drinking with some old friends ended up losing my drivers license for drinking as well. Though when that happened it was quite bizarre, I had one drink hours prior and was not drunk.

It didn’t take long for the letter to arrive once I got to my permanent duty assignment in Germany. The Paternity letter, and she ended up hurting herself by doing so. I sent her a money order each month when I was paid, at that time we were paid once a month. I would go to the bank cash the check and get a money order right away and sent it to her.

She claimed she was forced to do it. She claimed that when she applied for social services they made her give up my name and Social Services was the one to come after me for the money. So now they garnished my wages and took what they felt they needed leaving my check quite small.

When I received the letter I went to the JAG office and tried to do something about contesting it, but JAG said there is nothing they can do they do not get involved in such cases. So the court date came and went and as I did not appear I was not provided the chance to speak my case.

For the next four years in Germany my pay was garnished for the child support. I did not protest it, but sometimes Barbara would send a letter demanding more money as she said Social Services didn’t give her enough.

During those four years she had three more children but two different fathers as well. This provided validation that I did the right thing, yet someplace in me thinks perhaps she did these things because of me and in spite of me. I will never know the truth to it.

During my time in Germany I met a German woman and we married. On our very first date I explained to her about Amy and she seemed fine with it. I didn’t want it to come up later after getting to know her and risking it would be something to damage the relationship, I wanted it up front from the beginning in case the relationship did develop.

When we married I brought her home to marry in my Church and we took the time to go see Amy. Barbara allowed Amy to spend quite some time with us, but Amy would call me by my first name and I didn’t like that at all. Then again I wasn’t around so what could I do about that.

After the wedding we went back to Germany where I was to spend one more year in the Army before leaving and going back home.

When I came home with my new bride I wanted Amy to be part of our lives. We made a pint to visit her and see her as often as we could. Sometimes the visits weren’t very nice. Barbara would vent her anger at my new bride and sometimes she would not be home on the prearranged pick up times.

So, after a year of this we went to court to make legal arrangements for visitation. I still had court papers ensuring I was to pay support, and each time a changed a job Barbara was right there on the spot to ensure my employer knew about it even though I sent her the money regularly. It was her way of putting it in my face.

The visits got uglier and uglier as the years were passing. She was less often at the pre arrange location for pick up than she was there. I would track her down and pick up Amy anyway. She moved constantly and never left the new address.

Fortunately she ran with the same people and in the same circle so she wasn’t hard to find. Sometimes it did take me a few weeks to track her down. Sometime I would call Social Services but they would always inform me they were not allowed to divulge that information as to her location!

The tension was building and building over the years. Amy began to call me dad, and she had her own room at our house. She had her own clothes toys and the works, we made her an integral part of our life. She would go on vacations with us back to Germany to see my wife’s family and so forth.

Finally the proverbial straw came to be. One day when I went to pick up Amy she was locked in a second floor bathroom with her siblings while no one was home. Her mother walked down to the local store to get more cigarettes and decided to lock the kids in the bathroom so that they would get into anything while she was gone. As she came home and saw me there she started running to the house. “ Oh no you don’t” I yelled, “you aren’t going n the house until protective services arrive” I informed her, and I wouldn’t let in the house.

The police arrived and took the children with them informing her of her rights and so forth. She was livid with me as I could well imagine.

The next time I went to pick up Amy, she was home and at the kitchen table was the new husband with some of his friends. They had quite a load of pot spread out on the table in a pile and were rolling joints from it, it appeared they were making quite a few joints either for resale or personal use I don’t know I didn’t ask.

I told them to all sit an wait while I go down the street and call the police which I did they did in fact all sit there and wait to my amazement, I don’t think they thought I was serious or they were too stoned to know any better. That was when Amy asked me if I wanted to watch her roll a joint as she said she knew how!

That was the straw indeed. That was the singular moment that the cards changed for me, and I decided I had had enough for Amy’s sake. At that very moment I had an image flash before my eyes of Amy pregnant unmarried 16 with joint hanging from her mouth. The image was so vivid it almost knocked me over with the intensity.

I took Amy and left with the clear intent to change the situation as soon as I could. During that time I was in the Army Reserves and in my unit was a man who was the Assistant DA for that very city. He was about to leave the office and go into private practice, and he was a Vietnam Veteran, no stranger to combat. I looked at this situation as a combat situation and prepared myself for battle.

We met and put together a plan of action. That plan involved a long term agenda for the benefit of Amy. We made sure it was not to be a personal vendetta against Barb, but we remained focused on Amy’s future and what would be best for that future.

The approach was to get Amy assigned a lawyer of her own as her mother was still on Social Services the city would have to provide that. Next was to get in touch with Social Services and get as much history as possible from them regarding Barbs treatment of the children. We needed to get the documents that showed where Child Welfare took the children from her several times.

I was told I could not access those documents but my attorney could so he did. We set up counseling for Amy in addition to her Attorney. The lines were drawn, we were ready to do battle, we knew Barb would not go down easily she would fight with all she had. She was true to form so we needed to use her own effort against her as well and we did.

Once we had custody and Amy was living with us life settled down some. We built a new house and I was back in the Army sort of. I was recruiting for the Army, and that job was not a good fit for me. Took me several years to discover that though.

Something happened during those first years of custody between my daughter and my wife I don’t know what it was and I don’t know how it came about. They didn’t bond. Perhaps as long there was the fight to focus on the reality of her living with us was never really thought about. This is something I think could have been the case not completely sure.

Perhaps it was the stress between us that was developing and that manifested on the relationship between her and Amy, I don’t know. It could have been any number of things, but over the next few years the relationship between my wife and I deteriorated quickly.

Soon enough my job performance was suffering I wasn’t meeting the numbers required for Recruiting and the Army decided to send me to Indiana to run an Army reserve unit. When I showed the orders to my wife she told me have a good time she wasn’t going with me. So Amy and left for Indiana for a new life.

Chapter 1: Coming Home

Palms sweating stomach going topsy turvey what gives, where are they, maybe we get in the courtroom before they arrive, so I don’t have to face her.

No suck luck there they are coming up the stairwell now. Come on open the doors lets get this over with, I don’t want to have to face her now.

"Hello" she says, but I can only nod, unable to utter a sound. She thinks I am an ass now, nothing new. Her friend is with her, our fiend Carol. I guess she didn’t want to come alone.
Court room doors finally open, thank God lets get this over with I have a 15 hour non stop drive back home.

Lots of papers passed back and forth, no communication whatsoever, sounds of paper shuffling is the only sound. Judge finally says " OK, then there aren't any appeals, so lets get this over with" He then states we will get a letter in a few weeks stating all debt cleared bankruptcy ordered.

Driving back home I have plenty of time to think. Why was I such an ass, why didn’t I even say hello back there to her, why am I unable to face her. But I already know the answers.
Eight years down the drain. Eight years of trying to make it work, trying to achieve the American dream. That’s why I can't face her. I took her dreams away from her, threw it all away and for what? For a better life. But I didn’t want it to end this way, I wanted it to work, so why isn't it working.

Finally 15 straight hours on the road I am back home. My new home, new dreams new life, so why do a feel like shit. Why am in this dark funk and why do I want to cry all the time, but God I miss her so badly. I want her back, back in my life, tell her it was all a mistake we can make it work. I sit in the car and cry for an hour before I can get out and go inside.

"Oh hi, you are back, how was the drive"? Life is back on track. "Fine" I say, "no sweat, judge ruled case closed", "great" she says, "we can move on now". I want to scream at her, who is she, and how did she get in my house and why isn't she my wife, this stranger I can not warm up to.

"Hi dad, how was the trip", "fine, what have you been up to"? "nothing" she says. At twelve there isn't too much going on in her life. God, why did I do this to her, it was for the best I reassure myself. She will be better off with me. After all they weren't exactly getting along for the past few years anyway, so this has to be better then that.

Night time comes my head is swimming I cant sleep, I am angry, angry at myself angry at the world. I get up, and call her, she will be sleeping maybe I shouldn’t call, but I call. She answers in the very first ring, "hello" in a sleepy voice. My heart nearly stops God I miss her, I want her back and I want her back now, but I cant say this to her.

"Why didn’t you say hello" she asks, "you were not very polite, you could have at least been polite" "I know" I said, "but I was in a hurry" I lie. "so what do you want then, you have what you wanted so why are you calling", I want to tell her I miss her, I want to say I hurt and need her right now, but I say" just wanted you to know I made it back safe is all", "oh" she says, "we'll if there is nothing else I want to get back to sleep".

I hang up with my guts all twisted inside, I feel sick, so I go outside and smoke a cigarette. Sue comes up behind me and asks why I made the call, seems she was listening all the while. "Just letting her know I was back safe" I retort. "go back to bed I want to be alone for a bit". "Next time you call Jill, I want to know about it" she replies and goes back to bed.

My mood darkens even more. I hate this woman she is evil, she is not Jill, she is not the woman I made my dreams with, who is she and how did she get here, and why wont she leave me alone. The anger rises to a boil, it stews, and ferments and takes on a life of its own. I go to the shed, and start smashing things everything, anything, I smash till there is nothing left to smash, and fall to the ground and sob.

After a bit, I get back up the anger abated for the time, and I go to bed. Sue wants to cuddle, I don’t want to cuddle but I do anyway. I will use her, hurt her, punish her. Abated, I move from her and roll over and fall asleep. Sue was that way. No matter how bad it got she wanted her time morning and night, cuddling she called it.

Morning comes, Sue is making breakfast as she always does. She seems chipper even after my repulsive behavior last night. Amy walks in the kitchen eyes bleary and still half-asleep. She is a sound sleeper thank God for that. Her room is right next to ours, I feel embarrassed and don’t know what to say so I say nothing.

We eat then decide what to do for the day. I am dog tired, the drive and the anger have left me drained. I want to go back to bed and sleep, but that’s all I do. Depression has set in, and the dark clouds loom heavily above my life.

Sue wants to take a drive, go to a park look around maybe have a cookout. Fine lets go whatever. Anything to not have to sit around the house and face my behavior.
At the park my mood lightens a bit. There are pony rides, so I take Amy so she can ride one. She has never ridden on a pony before. Her mother was adverse to anything resembling fun. All those years of battling over her custody, Jill and I finally won custody of her . Her mother lived on welfare, had five kids four dads Amy being the first. Her mom and I never married were never really together, we dated in High School.

Amy has fun on the pony she is scared at first so I walk with her holding the pony with the attendant. I am feeling better now, Amy is happy she laughs and smiles at me, and my heart warms. Six years of courts and fighting with her mother all wash away as she smiles and laughs. It was worth it.

After the pony ride we drive around to find a table and grill. I start a fire a raccoon tries to steal our food. I chase it away, bold move for a raccoon in the middle of the day so I am nervous about rabies now. Maybe the raccoon is rabid.

After eating Sue says she will clean up, she is always trying to win me over. Amy and I take a stroll down some trails. I bring the camera. She finds a turtle walking down the path we take pictures of Amy holding the turtle. She is a delight. I suddenly feel a deep sadness, a sadness that Jill is not here. The cloud creeps in. "why is Sue here dad" Amy says. I am taken aback I deluded myself to think they liked each other. I don’t answer her.

We leave the park and head home. "Why are you so quite, did it bother you to se her" Sue asks. "Who, did it bother you to see" chimes in Amy. "No one" I reply, "No one" I tell Sue we will talk about it later, not right now, Amy is in the car. "I hate her" replies Amy. "hate who" I ask knowing, "Jill" she replies. "You don’t hate her, hate is a strong word" I said, but she ignores me, and we drive home in silence. Amy realy meant Sue, she hated Sue.

Home, a small farm town, population 1800 so says the sign. We live in town, one stop light, one bank, post office and gas station. That’s about it. Simple small sleepy farm town in the middle of nowhere. Price was right house was $8,000 couldn’t believe the price. So it was a forty minute drive to work no big deal. Was worth it.

I spent weeks getting it ready for Sue to arrive. Stripped the floors sanded them, and repainted the place. All so Sue could move her stuff in. She quite her job sold her house back east and simply moved in. I didn’t exactly say she could but I didn’t say no either.

"When will you know about the divorce" Sue asks.. Man I forgot about that I was so preoccupied with the bankruptcy and Sue moving in, the divorce was the last thing on my mind. " I need to know so I can get a banquet hall booked, and gown made, and send out the invitations to the wedding" she says.

" Not now. Cant it wait" I yell. "We'll not really" she responds. Man she never quits, all the time it is the dam divorce. I don’t even want a divorce, I am not ready to let Jill go. She was my first love, and still is. This is all moving too fast. It has to slow down let me think, if I cold only get my head clear and think.

Sue informs me that the coming week we have to drive back to her parents and finalize all the marriage plans, but she cant do it without having a clear date. I call my lawyer. He informs me that the judge had finally seen the case reviewed it, and made a decision and we will get it in the mail soon. I ask him if it is the divorce he says it is, uncontested. Jill and I have met the one year separation time line.

God, has it been over a year already. Where is my head why can't I focus. Last time I could think clearly I drove like a demon to Jill's apartment. She had her work transfer her to Indiana a few towns away and she got an apartment in hopes we might work something out. After several months of my treating her like shit she moved back east.

I drove to her apartment the day she left to tell her not to leave but to move in with me, but it was too late. She was gone. Already packed up and gone east. I was devastated. Where is my head, I cant get a clear handle on anything, it is all falling through my fingers and I move as if in a dream. I am aware but unable to do anything.

That was months ago, an eternity, now Sue is talking to me again, what is she saying. I hear her but I cant understand her, I have no idea what she is saying. She is such a bitch I can't stand her. She whines all the time, she nags she congeals, she accuses.

"Next week, hello you there I am talking to you" "Oh yea, what" I say. "Next week, are we going to be ready to look at the Halls and get the invitations to mail them out', "ah sure. Lawyer says all set" I reply.

Man I need to shake this daze, I can not get it together. This fog will not lift, where is my head. Tomorrow I know I have to re-enlist in the Army, another six years and I will have retirement locked in. I need to get to tomorrow is all I can think about. Why is she talking about a wedding?
I moved to Indian as the Army sent me there. My job was to run some Army Reserve unit, and I was doing well at my job. I hated leaving the east coast but when you get orders you have to go. Two years, has it been two years that I have been here already.

Jill said she wasn’t coming when I received the orders. We had just gotten custody of Amy and just built a house, and were doing well it appeared, at least to the outside observer. I didn’t want to go either but it was either go or leave the Army and try to find work.

We decided I would go with Amy for a bit and see how it went, but we both knew it meant the end. At least I knew, Jill may have been kidding herself. Sue was always there in the background an acquaintance was all nothing more. Jill knew of her but didn't know her

That all changed when Sue learned I was to move to Indiana without Jill. Something changed in her, she began to become more demanding in the relationship. Finally she invited me to her house for dinner. I was never at her house before it wouldn’t have been appropriate. She was a friend nothing more. Someone I could talk to share my thoughts with, dump on her all my misgivings regarding Jill and my marrige.

That night I stayed at Sue's. We crossed the line. Sometime about midnight Jill was knocking at the door, it was a not a pretty scene. I sent Jill home and we both knew at that moment our marriage of eight years was over. I was angry and determined to hurt Jill though I didn’t know why.

Since then the haze has been with me, and there is a constant feeling of bleakness. I crossed a line not only with Sue and Jill but something within myself. Something in there that could not accept what I had done. A month later I moved to Indian with my daughter Amy, and sometime later Sue arrived with her belongings. It was not supposed to be this way.

Jill was supposed to follow me, she was supposed to come out when she saw Amy and I were settled and doing well. Everything was all wrong. It was all messed up, and I had no idea how it got that way, at least that’s what I told myself.

Sue was talking to me again, this time she was crying. "Why aren't you listening to me, why do I have to scream at you all time"? Amy stood there looking at me, and I was distraught. What did I do this time. Amy gave me that look, the look that said why are you marrying this woman I hate her, why are you destroying my life. We had that conversation many times. " Not now Amy, we can talk about this later" but Amy knew later never seemed to come.

She went to her room and slammed the door. I went out side to have another smoke. Sue came out with a diner plate in her hand sometime later. "Since you are not coming in to eat here is you dinner, it's cold" she stated. I threw the plate at the wall of the shed and said nothing, she walked back in the house.

We left Indiana to go back to NY. We had to go to Albany first for a few days, then back to Buffalo to her parents house. More court shit with Amy's mother. Winter was coming on and the wedding date was approaching.

In Albany we stayed at a hotel. I couldn't bring her to my mothers house I couldn’t face that. We went to the Lawyer and picked up the divorce papers there was a mix up and they were sent to his office. Instead of mailing them to me we were going to Albany so he held them.

One of our reasons for going to Albany was to tell my mother we were getting married, again the cloud the fog I was moving in slow motion. It was all I did lately. It was like watching myself seeing what I was doing but at the same time like watching someone else unable to intervene.
Driving back to Buffalo, we stopped at a rest stop. There, sitting in the car I told Sue I could not go through with it. She flipped. She got out of the car and threw her purse across the parking lot all the contents scattering. Amy got out and started trying to pick things up as we keep screaming at each other. People were beginning to look.

I caved, I said fine lets do whatever you want. I would have said anything to stop the scene we were making. Amy was in tears, and ran to the rest room, Sue followed her. They came back as I finished picking up all the contents I could find of her purse. We drove on to her parents.
At her parents I acted numb, I smiled and said all the right things. Her dad was dying of cancer and we went to see him in the hospital. He was the cause of the urgency to marry She wanted to marry before he died and he didn’t have very long. Shorter then we thought we were later to discover.

We made arrangements for the wedding picked gowns, rented a Hall, and ordered invitations. We left Buffalo and went back home after a week. At her parents house I slept in the family room on the sofa, while she and Amy slept in her bed. We lived together in Indiana but in her parents house we were not allowed until marriage, people are strange.

Finally we were back home. I was tired, not tired, but spent. I had nothing left, I was numb inside and was distraught. I felt like a trapped animal that was cornered. My mind was reeling it could not grasp a solid thought. Sue would talk to me I would nod but I had no idea what she would be saying, she seemed placated with my responses. Amy's mother never let her go, there was more mail from family court back in NY. I was being supenea for her custody yet again.
Her mom lived on welfare she had nothing better to do than go to family court and file petition after petition for anything she could think of. I couldn't do it anymore. I was spent, spent to the core. I knew I was at the end of my rope. I love Amy and in this I knew I could not continue the fight with her mother. It was not healthy for Amy in the long run. Her mother wore me down. Sue was pushing harder and harder. I would call Jill almost every night now, we would talk for hours, and Sue would become hysterical.

Months passed, Christmas came and went, we spent Christmas in Buffalo. Amy went to her mothers for Christmas, and would not come back. Her mother enrolled her in school and everything. I simply walked into the principles office demanded she be brought to me, as I showed them the court papers. They dutifully brought her to me, and we went back home.

More court sopena's wedding day approaching, and Jill and I were talking more and more. I would talk to her during the day at work instead of working for hours on end. Sue was in her own world planning the wedding and making all those arrangements she was in bliss and oblivious to my world. I was a piece of meat to her nothing more. A means to an end.

The snap came quietly and suddenly. It is still a bit of a haze, but I am sure of several things. Sue will never talk to me again in this lifetime, and I will forever regret the decision to send my daughter back to live with her mother.

After telling Sue about my decision to send her home, she went hysterical. So, I put her on a train and sent her to Buffalo. I put my daughter on a train and sent her back to Albany. I called her mother and gave her the train arrival time and number. I handed in my resignation for the Army, and waited for the date I would be discharged.

My grandfather had had a stroke and was now in a nursing home while this was happening so I was distressed over his condition. I needed to get home as soon as I could. The Army moved all Sue's stuff to her family house in Buffalo, and I packed up Amy's stuff with mine. I made a fire in the backyard and burned what I couldn’t take with me. Then packed all I had left in a small utility trailed and closed the house and headed East.

Well as luck would have I began driving the same time the largest snowstorm to hit the northeast in 150 years. As I headed further and further east, the roads became worse and worse. Finally in Pennsylvania they closed the main roads.

I had to pull up and spend the night in a hotel until they opened the roads again. In the condition I was in, and state of mind it was not the best thing for me to be alone stranded in a hotel room. I awoke one morning with banging on the door. I could not imagine who was at the door and why were they bothering me. When I opened the door my oldest brother was standing there with my mother! Shock doesn't quite describe it. Three days had passed.

My head hurt like hell and I had no idea where I was. It would appear I was in a different Hotel still alone thank God, but didn’t know where my car was. The room was a wreck beer cans and liqueur bottles strewn everywhere. My brother drove us back to where my original Hotel was and we found my car with the trailer still attached but the hitch broken and wheel bearing burned out. It was obvious something happened but I had no idea what.

Without words we unloaded the trailer and pilled the stuff in my brother's truck. We lifted the utility trailer and tied it down on top of the load. I rode in the truck with my brother while my mother drove my car behind us. It was a long silent road home. My brother is like that, he doesn’t have to say anything, and he knows when to be silent.

Purpose of this site

What I am making an attemp to do here is write a story. It will be one story but many chapters. I will write it one segment or chapter at a time and see how it goes.
 
So come back from time to time and see how the story progresses. Crtiique, comment, whatever. I am not a writter nor do I have and skills or education that would pass for writting.
 
Basically it will be venting in the context of writting.  Take it or leave it.

Welcome

Welcome to Martin Francis. If you arrived here from Velveetaland welcome. Here you will discover some writings and whatnot from the mind of Martin Francis.

Why Martin Francis. Several meanings. Martin meaning warlike, and Francis meaning Man of Peace, are a contradiction. They null each other out so to speak. Both names have personal significance as well.

Fell free to hang around and read a bit. Link if you are inclined.