Chapter 1: Coming Home

Palms sweating stomach going topsy turvey what gives, where are they, maybe we get in the courtroom before they arrive, so I don’t have to face her.

No suck luck there they are coming up the stairwell now. Come on open the doors lets get this over with, I don’t want to have to face her now.

"Hello" she says, but I can only nod, unable to utter a sound. She thinks I am an ass now, nothing new. Her friend is with her, our fiend Carol. I guess she didn’t want to come alone.
Court room doors finally open, thank God lets get this over with I have a 15 hour non stop drive back home.

Lots of papers passed back and forth, no communication whatsoever, sounds of paper shuffling is the only sound. Judge finally says " OK, then there aren't any appeals, so lets get this over with" He then states we will get a letter in a few weeks stating all debt cleared bankruptcy ordered.

Driving back home I have plenty of time to think. Why was I such an ass, why didn’t I even say hello back there to her, why am I unable to face her. But I already know the answers.
Eight years down the drain. Eight years of trying to make it work, trying to achieve the American dream. That’s why I can't face her. I took her dreams away from her, threw it all away and for what? For a better life. But I didn’t want it to end this way, I wanted it to work, so why isn't it working.

Finally 15 straight hours on the road I am back home. My new home, new dreams new life, so why do a feel like shit. Why am in this dark funk and why do I want to cry all the time, but God I miss her so badly. I want her back, back in my life, tell her it was all a mistake we can make it work. I sit in the car and cry for an hour before I can get out and go inside.

"Oh hi, you are back, how was the drive"? Life is back on track. "Fine" I say, "no sweat, judge ruled case closed", "great" she says, "we can move on now". I want to scream at her, who is she, and how did she get in my house and why isn't she my wife, this stranger I can not warm up to.

"Hi dad, how was the trip", "fine, what have you been up to"? "nothing" she says. At twelve there isn't too much going on in her life. God, why did I do this to her, it was for the best I reassure myself. She will be better off with me. After all they weren't exactly getting along for the past few years anyway, so this has to be better then that.

Night time comes my head is swimming I cant sleep, I am angry, angry at myself angry at the world. I get up, and call her, she will be sleeping maybe I shouldn’t call, but I call. She answers in the very first ring, "hello" in a sleepy voice. My heart nearly stops God I miss her, I want her back and I want her back now, but I cant say this to her.

"Why didn’t you say hello" she asks, "you were not very polite, you could have at least been polite" "I know" I said, "but I was in a hurry" I lie. "so what do you want then, you have what you wanted so why are you calling", I want to tell her I miss her, I want to say I hurt and need her right now, but I say" just wanted you to know I made it back safe is all", "oh" she says, "we'll if there is nothing else I want to get back to sleep".

I hang up with my guts all twisted inside, I feel sick, so I go outside and smoke a cigarette. Sue comes up behind me and asks why I made the call, seems she was listening all the while. "Just letting her know I was back safe" I retort. "go back to bed I want to be alone for a bit". "Next time you call Jill, I want to know about it" she replies and goes back to bed.

My mood darkens even more. I hate this woman she is evil, she is not Jill, she is not the woman I made my dreams with, who is she and how did she get here, and why wont she leave me alone. The anger rises to a boil, it stews, and ferments and takes on a life of its own. I go to the shed, and start smashing things everything, anything, I smash till there is nothing left to smash, and fall to the ground and sob.

After a bit, I get back up the anger abated for the time, and I go to bed. Sue wants to cuddle, I don’t want to cuddle but I do anyway. I will use her, hurt her, punish her. Abated, I move from her and roll over and fall asleep. Sue was that way. No matter how bad it got she wanted her time morning and night, cuddling she called it.

Morning comes, Sue is making breakfast as she always does. She seems chipper even after my repulsive behavior last night. Amy walks in the kitchen eyes bleary and still half-asleep. She is a sound sleeper thank God for that. Her room is right next to ours, I feel embarrassed and don’t know what to say so I say nothing.

We eat then decide what to do for the day. I am dog tired, the drive and the anger have left me drained. I want to go back to bed and sleep, but that’s all I do. Depression has set in, and the dark clouds loom heavily above my life.

Sue wants to take a drive, go to a park look around maybe have a cookout. Fine lets go whatever. Anything to not have to sit around the house and face my behavior.
At the park my mood lightens a bit. There are pony rides, so I take Amy so she can ride one. She has never ridden on a pony before. Her mother was adverse to anything resembling fun. All those years of battling over her custody, Jill and I finally won custody of her . Her mother lived on welfare, had five kids four dads Amy being the first. Her mom and I never married were never really together, we dated in High School.

Amy has fun on the pony she is scared at first so I walk with her holding the pony with the attendant. I am feeling better now, Amy is happy she laughs and smiles at me, and my heart warms. Six years of courts and fighting with her mother all wash away as she smiles and laughs. It was worth it.

After the pony ride we drive around to find a table and grill. I start a fire a raccoon tries to steal our food. I chase it away, bold move for a raccoon in the middle of the day so I am nervous about rabies now. Maybe the raccoon is rabid.

After eating Sue says she will clean up, she is always trying to win me over. Amy and I take a stroll down some trails. I bring the camera. She finds a turtle walking down the path we take pictures of Amy holding the turtle. She is a delight. I suddenly feel a deep sadness, a sadness that Jill is not here. The cloud creeps in. "why is Sue here dad" Amy says. I am taken aback I deluded myself to think they liked each other. I don’t answer her.

We leave the park and head home. "Why are you so quite, did it bother you to se her" Sue asks. "Who, did it bother you to see" chimes in Amy. "No one" I reply, "No one" I tell Sue we will talk about it later, not right now, Amy is in the car. "I hate her" replies Amy. "hate who" I ask knowing, "Jill" she replies. "You don’t hate her, hate is a strong word" I said, but she ignores me, and we drive home in silence. Amy realy meant Sue, she hated Sue.

Home, a small farm town, population 1800 so says the sign. We live in town, one stop light, one bank, post office and gas station. That’s about it. Simple small sleepy farm town in the middle of nowhere. Price was right house was $8,000 couldn’t believe the price. So it was a forty minute drive to work no big deal. Was worth it.

I spent weeks getting it ready for Sue to arrive. Stripped the floors sanded them, and repainted the place. All so Sue could move her stuff in. She quite her job sold her house back east and simply moved in. I didn’t exactly say she could but I didn’t say no either.

"When will you know about the divorce" Sue asks.. Man I forgot about that I was so preoccupied with the bankruptcy and Sue moving in, the divorce was the last thing on my mind. " I need to know so I can get a banquet hall booked, and gown made, and send out the invitations to the wedding" she says.

" Not now. Cant it wait" I yell. "We'll not really" she responds. Man she never quits, all the time it is the dam divorce. I don’t even want a divorce, I am not ready to let Jill go. She was my first love, and still is. This is all moving too fast. It has to slow down let me think, if I cold only get my head clear and think.

Sue informs me that the coming week we have to drive back to her parents and finalize all the marriage plans, but she cant do it without having a clear date. I call my lawyer. He informs me that the judge had finally seen the case reviewed it, and made a decision and we will get it in the mail soon. I ask him if it is the divorce he says it is, uncontested. Jill and I have met the one year separation time line.

God, has it been over a year already. Where is my head why can't I focus. Last time I could think clearly I drove like a demon to Jill's apartment. She had her work transfer her to Indiana a few towns away and she got an apartment in hopes we might work something out. After several months of my treating her like shit she moved back east.

I drove to her apartment the day she left to tell her not to leave but to move in with me, but it was too late. She was gone. Already packed up and gone east. I was devastated. Where is my head, I cant get a clear handle on anything, it is all falling through my fingers and I move as if in a dream. I am aware but unable to do anything.

That was months ago, an eternity, now Sue is talking to me again, what is she saying. I hear her but I cant understand her, I have no idea what she is saying. She is such a bitch I can't stand her. She whines all the time, she nags she congeals, she accuses.

"Next week, hello you there I am talking to you" "Oh yea, what" I say. "Next week, are we going to be ready to look at the Halls and get the invitations to mail them out', "ah sure. Lawyer says all set" I reply.

Man I need to shake this daze, I can not get it together. This fog will not lift, where is my head. Tomorrow I know I have to re-enlist in the Army, another six years and I will have retirement locked in. I need to get to tomorrow is all I can think about. Why is she talking about a wedding?
I moved to Indian as the Army sent me there. My job was to run some Army Reserve unit, and I was doing well at my job. I hated leaving the east coast but when you get orders you have to go. Two years, has it been two years that I have been here already.

Jill said she wasn’t coming when I received the orders. We had just gotten custody of Amy and just built a house, and were doing well it appeared, at least to the outside observer. I didn’t want to go either but it was either go or leave the Army and try to find work.

We decided I would go with Amy for a bit and see how it went, but we both knew it meant the end. At least I knew, Jill may have been kidding herself. Sue was always there in the background an acquaintance was all nothing more. Jill knew of her but didn't know her

That all changed when Sue learned I was to move to Indiana without Jill. Something changed in her, she began to become more demanding in the relationship. Finally she invited me to her house for dinner. I was never at her house before it wouldn’t have been appropriate. She was a friend nothing more. Someone I could talk to share my thoughts with, dump on her all my misgivings regarding Jill and my marrige.

That night I stayed at Sue's. We crossed the line. Sometime about midnight Jill was knocking at the door, it was a not a pretty scene. I sent Jill home and we both knew at that moment our marriage of eight years was over. I was angry and determined to hurt Jill though I didn’t know why.

Since then the haze has been with me, and there is a constant feeling of bleakness. I crossed a line not only with Sue and Jill but something within myself. Something in there that could not accept what I had done. A month later I moved to Indian with my daughter Amy, and sometime later Sue arrived with her belongings. It was not supposed to be this way.

Jill was supposed to follow me, she was supposed to come out when she saw Amy and I were settled and doing well. Everything was all wrong. It was all messed up, and I had no idea how it got that way, at least that’s what I told myself.

Sue was talking to me again, this time she was crying. "Why aren't you listening to me, why do I have to scream at you all time"? Amy stood there looking at me, and I was distraught. What did I do this time. Amy gave me that look, the look that said why are you marrying this woman I hate her, why are you destroying my life. We had that conversation many times. " Not now Amy, we can talk about this later" but Amy knew later never seemed to come.

She went to her room and slammed the door. I went out side to have another smoke. Sue came out with a diner plate in her hand sometime later. "Since you are not coming in to eat here is you dinner, it's cold" she stated. I threw the plate at the wall of the shed and said nothing, she walked back in the house.

We left Indiana to go back to NY. We had to go to Albany first for a few days, then back to Buffalo to her parents house. More court shit with Amy's mother. Winter was coming on and the wedding date was approaching.

In Albany we stayed at a hotel. I couldn't bring her to my mothers house I couldn’t face that. We went to the Lawyer and picked up the divorce papers there was a mix up and they were sent to his office. Instead of mailing them to me we were going to Albany so he held them.

One of our reasons for going to Albany was to tell my mother we were getting married, again the cloud the fog I was moving in slow motion. It was all I did lately. It was like watching myself seeing what I was doing but at the same time like watching someone else unable to intervene.
Driving back to Buffalo, we stopped at a rest stop. There, sitting in the car I told Sue I could not go through with it. She flipped. She got out of the car and threw her purse across the parking lot all the contents scattering. Amy got out and started trying to pick things up as we keep screaming at each other. People were beginning to look.

I caved, I said fine lets do whatever you want. I would have said anything to stop the scene we were making. Amy was in tears, and ran to the rest room, Sue followed her. They came back as I finished picking up all the contents I could find of her purse. We drove on to her parents.
At her parents I acted numb, I smiled and said all the right things. Her dad was dying of cancer and we went to see him in the hospital. He was the cause of the urgency to marry She wanted to marry before he died and he didn’t have very long. Shorter then we thought we were later to discover.

We made arrangements for the wedding picked gowns, rented a Hall, and ordered invitations. We left Buffalo and went back home after a week. At her parents house I slept in the family room on the sofa, while she and Amy slept in her bed. We lived together in Indiana but in her parents house we were not allowed until marriage, people are strange.

Finally we were back home. I was tired, not tired, but spent. I had nothing left, I was numb inside and was distraught. I felt like a trapped animal that was cornered. My mind was reeling it could not grasp a solid thought. Sue would talk to me I would nod but I had no idea what she would be saying, she seemed placated with my responses. Amy's mother never let her go, there was more mail from family court back in NY. I was being supenea for her custody yet again.
Her mom lived on welfare she had nothing better to do than go to family court and file petition after petition for anything she could think of. I couldn't do it anymore. I was spent, spent to the core. I knew I was at the end of my rope. I love Amy and in this I knew I could not continue the fight with her mother. It was not healthy for Amy in the long run. Her mother wore me down. Sue was pushing harder and harder. I would call Jill almost every night now, we would talk for hours, and Sue would become hysterical.

Months passed, Christmas came and went, we spent Christmas in Buffalo. Amy went to her mothers for Christmas, and would not come back. Her mother enrolled her in school and everything. I simply walked into the principles office demanded she be brought to me, as I showed them the court papers. They dutifully brought her to me, and we went back home.

More court sopena's wedding day approaching, and Jill and I were talking more and more. I would talk to her during the day at work instead of working for hours on end. Sue was in her own world planning the wedding and making all those arrangements she was in bliss and oblivious to my world. I was a piece of meat to her nothing more. A means to an end.

The snap came quietly and suddenly. It is still a bit of a haze, but I am sure of several things. Sue will never talk to me again in this lifetime, and I will forever regret the decision to send my daughter back to live with her mother.

After telling Sue about my decision to send her home, she went hysterical. So, I put her on a train and sent her to Buffalo. I put my daughter on a train and sent her back to Albany. I called her mother and gave her the train arrival time and number. I handed in my resignation for the Army, and waited for the date I would be discharged.

My grandfather had had a stroke and was now in a nursing home while this was happening so I was distressed over his condition. I needed to get home as soon as I could. The Army moved all Sue's stuff to her family house in Buffalo, and I packed up Amy's stuff with mine. I made a fire in the backyard and burned what I couldn’t take with me. Then packed all I had left in a small utility trailed and closed the house and headed East.

Well as luck would have I began driving the same time the largest snowstorm to hit the northeast in 150 years. As I headed further and further east, the roads became worse and worse. Finally in Pennsylvania they closed the main roads.

I had to pull up and spend the night in a hotel until they opened the roads again. In the condition I was in, and state of mind it was not the best thing for me to be alone stranded in a hotel room. I awoke one morning with banging on the door. I could not imagine who was at the door and why were they bothering me. When I opened the door my oldest brother was standing there with my mother! Shock doesn't quite describe it. Three days had passed.

My head hurt like hell and I had no idea where I was. It would appear I was in a different Hotel still alone thank God, but didn’t know where my car was. The room was a wreck beer cans and liqueur bottles strewn everywhere. My brother drove us back to where my original Hotel was and we found my car with the trailer still attached but the hitch broken and wheel bearing burned out. It was obvious something happened but I had no idea what.

Without words we unloaded the trailer and pilled the stuff in my brother's truck. We lifted the utility trailer and tied it down on top of the load. I rode in the truck with my brother while my mother drove my car behind us. It was a long silent road home. My brother is like that, he doesn’t have to say anything, and he knows when to be silent.